Inspiration | meditation

Beloved Fellowtraveler Bhagwan,

Please let me tell you a story about a young man and his experience in a small South-Bavarian mountain town in the later part of the year 1970.

Being engaged in numerous discussions for more than a year with other free-spirited Travelers about the basic question: “Wer bin ich?”, our hero couldn’t help himself to realize that his rebellious comrades, including himself, were obviously doing the exact opposite of what they had proclaimed during their often very argumentative, considering the intellectual level, spontaneous meetings.

Being led through the observation of others straight to himself, the seeker tried to convince his friends about actual discrepancies in everybody’s behavior with the only result, that he became more and more conscious about himself. As a matter of fact, by trying to help the other to become more aware, he couldn’t help but notice that whatsoever he was trying to do for them, strangely enough, he himself became the only benefiter out of it.

What had started with simple observation turned into a witnessing on the side of the seeker, which had become so intense that the young man completely forgot about his mission, his goal, as he suddenly discovered that not only was he talking to nobody else but himself, he just never had listened but also that the other actually was the self. From there on after, our traveler for the very first time in his conscious life started to look at the world of objects around him and something in him knew without being told what this on the surface as infinite apparent division really is.

Wherever he looked, it was just as if he was born again. Things he had seen every day whatsoever he thought he had known, he realized he was seeing it for the very first time – here and now – that very moment.

Being relaxed with his witnessing, the young fellow nevertheless couldn’t help it sometimes to be overwhelmed by the bliss which is accompanied when somebody for the first time is capable to look through his eyes, hear through his ears, simply using the senses intuitively, effortlessly the right way. There was a brand-new world appearing, hidden right behind the one he thought of as the real one…

Becoming aware of the disguised miracle around him, he discovered such perfection and harmony wherever his crystal-clear attention rested. Every effort to change the world became absolutely immature since the only thing that can be-come changed is the focus of one’s own awareness. All that one had to know is how to become the witness and the world changes all by itself to the same degree as the witness becomes capable to focus his attention by doing nothing else but being aware without judging – which became quite natural for the young traveler, who knew for the first time without being told. Nobody’s interpretation was needed at all.

For the stunned observer, it appeared as if he was using the dictionary of existence itself, which presented itself with such clearness and depth that nobody’s dead knowledge was needed or could have been used to verify the presentation of the unknown.

As the days and weeks went by, our brave hero became more and more crystallized to an extent where the outside became the inside and the inside the outside. Wherever his awareness rested on the outside, the seeker found himself in it and the world of divisions represented itself as himself, the seeker, who was lost at the time as seeking itself became absurd. How can anyone seek for something which is always there? It was never lost. It is oneself – one’s true nature. There was no need to hurry. There was nowhere to go. Every goal appeared absurd, unless one consciously wanted to deceive oneself. All one had to do was remember – remember and once one becomes awake, the true self starts showing itself and existence itself turns out to be the mirror.

Even so the Non-seeker tried to avoid talking with anybody of his other selves about his tremendous insights and well-being, it did not go unobserved. It was not so much the awareness of the other selves, but more the over-flowing love which flows from the traveler to each and everything around him. Not that the non-seeker tried to be loving, but more so that loving represented itself as his very nature. It was always there and people around him could naturally feel this healing energy, floating from the Awakened One, which was felt as a certain well-being by the sleepers.

The less-conscious just felt good. The more conscious could feel intuitively that something had happened to the old one, but differentiated very much in the interpretation of what could have happened, which didn’t disturb the new one, the non-seeker at all; he became childlike in his ability to be totally absorbed in the moment, like he thought in existence itself. It has to be mentioned here that the old one had not too much knowledge of value accumulated to have any great mind-projection concerning Nirvana, Liberation, or Enlightenment. Heaven and Hell, the Roman Catholic Church doctrine to which almost the whole of Bavaria is confessing was there, but the old one was rather bored with the dead Judish Householder book and if it wasn’t for the hero in the second part, he would have doubted the whole affair from the very beginning. One could have called the old one a rebellious Christian, who as much as he doubted, on the other hand believed.

As the weeks went by, the seeker’s focused ray of awareness, after being drowned in the miracle of the objective world, by itself started slowly turning toward the inside space. The new seeker, who was immensely aware – compared with the old one – realized at the very beginning of his awakening, that his body became so light and easy to carry, that he actually felt to walk somewhat above the snow and ice-covered streets. The weight of his heavy winter shoes had disappeared. Besides that, he noticed a new-felt warmth all over his spine. The warmth was felt not as something frightening, but rather as strength – a hidden energy he never knew was there.

But now, as his focus of attention shifted, he started to become aware that there was a tremendous space, emptiness which actually left a slight pressure on the back of the head. Not having the knowledge of any method of meditation, the seeker realized this infinite space at the start with open eyes, becoming aware of it by looking in the eye of the other. This looking was so natural, unintentional, that it appeared that one would fall into the other, pulled by the eyes. But with the shifting attention, the traveler fell into himself by becoming aware of the infiniteness of the world within. It appeared as if with the awareness of the pressure on top of the head the inner space became deeper and deeper, almost frightening.

Becoming aware of the inside, the outside seemed now no more the outer, but rather also turned into inside. Through this realization, however, the distance between the traveler and the other appeared, which was an absolute truth felt by the increasing space within the stunned traveler. As much as he was capable to enjoy the unity on the outside, when felt in the inside it seemed to cause sudden alertness.

The new one became aware of his Aloneness because with the knowing of the inner infinite as well as the outer oneness, he realized that there was no possibility to reach or even touch the other, as long as it had not awakened from its dreaming. And even then, the only real communion could have been at the best a melting into each other by eye contact, which would have meant as much as: Right on fellowtraveler, you are not going mad. I am another one who isn’t asleep.

The insecurity, the suppressed fear of what to expect next, once of a sudden seemed to increase and stay constantly around. The more the fellowtraveler became aware of the majestic, deep and all-encompassing inside, which everything engulfed, the emptier and emptier he became.

At this point our fellowtraveler started to look for eyes only, because having built up no beforehand theoretical scheme – what to expect – something in him a proof that he was not going mad.

The more desperate the traveler started looking, however, the more he became aware of his absolute Aloneness, his absolute silence, which was not bothered with all the chaotic madness around it at all. This silence could not be touched by anyone, but on the other hand it also made the traveler aware of his absolute Aloneness. This absolute silence together with this intimate, absolute feeling or knowing of Aloneness introduced the super-alert traveler, without any warning, to God.

Like a lightning bolt, he had the insight that he was God himself or at least Jesus of Bethlehem… and that was the beginning of real trouble…

Now, a real Awakened One would have been of tremendous help to the innocent traveler, who, lost in space, could have appreciated a few consolidated explanations by someone who had managed his aloneness to a point where it is possible to accept this tremendous power of silence and the awareness of the inner space, whose magnetic force and endless depth, all-inviting, skin-deep from where the traveler was felt.

As a matter of fact, there was no way not to stay aware of it. It seemed there was no way to get rid of it. On the contrary, the by now frightened traveler tried to deny it, the closer it came. Thinking didn’t help; the traveler felt trapped with the feeling of God. He got confused with the Roman Catholic rhetoric, who would allow only one God, one begotten son and one holy ghost.

Was this blasphemy? Was he becoming insane? He remembered the devil and the burning fire and somehow associated this inner reality with something he wasn’t ready for yet. There was no confirmation, no Guru, no Enlightened One, no assured hand on one’s shoulder – no proof whatsoever.

By now with closed eyes, the traveler had never meditated before, his whole life once of a sudden became one with the change of his focused awareness – a meditation without forcing it. With closed eyes the traveler realized that something was about to pull him mercilessly into this storming blackness, which would be a journey with no return.

As much as the traveler became frightened of it, somewhere however he also felt that nothing could happen to him – that this jump or being pulled out into nothingness was the only possible thing. Somewhere he felt an assurance that everything will be just fine, that a generous reward, or better realizations with no end were waiting out there in the bottomless universe within.

Every time when the young traveler closed his eyes, he could see it. But even with open eyes something of him remained uninterruptedly aware of it.

There was God, who would have felt comfortable to look safe from within, enjoying the Oneness with everything. There was the devil, who said, “if you play God, you will be condemned like myself and burn in hell. Or you will become insane first and end up in a madhouse, which are full of Gods and Hitlers.” There also was this assured whisper inviting, convincing that to jump would be perfectly alright and that this animal-like, unconscious, first brutal fear, which presented by the ego, made the confused traveler believe that he surely would have to die.

Last, but not least the alert one also realized that since everything had drastically changed since about three months before, he could hang on and face his fear without taking any action at all, doing just witnessing because a living proof is bound to come along sooner or later. Just wait and sit and do nothing with your silence and aloneness. Once the proof appears, once somebody can verify it with his own presence that the jump into infiniteness or nothingness doesn’t really kill you to where you have to be buried afterwards or locked into a madhouse – that very moment, this last option will defeat the possibility, which had presented itself to this particular fellowtraveler in need of a living proof.

As much as the traveler would have given in to this last option to do nothing with his awareness, the one who thought who is losing his sanity became more and more frightened. It became so frightening that the more often the fellowtraveler looked at the inner space of his true self, the more he knew that somebody wouldn’t survive this journey. It started dawning on him that he was in reality nothing else than afraid of his true self. This infinite blackness, this depth, this nothingness would change the old one to the true new one. But the awareness of death and something or somebody had to die without any traveler’s insurance created a split – a deep division within the seeker who wished at that time that he never had found this incredible reality. This reality is hidden only from those, whose senses are not adjusted right.

The seeker started regretting that he had found so much within no time at all. Then for him the question of who is going to die became an absolute reality. It was only a question of time and the seeker at that point hadn’t really realized then, how he had achieved this crystalized consciousness to begin with, not to mention how to turn it off again. Looking at what was bound to happen to him, he would have preferred to fall back asleep. As a matter of fact, the seeker would have given a kingdom for the secret to fall back asleep. Being constantly aware of this primal fear, it was obvious that the “I”, the Ego couldn’t stand it much longer. It therefore became cunningly convincing, suggesting that this experience, of lack of proof, should be postponed for a later time. The dreaming mind, the Ego, feeling his death near became his best. Once of a sudden it started showing to the traveler that there were so many unfulfilled things, which needed to be done, that it was irresponsible to continue even a single step further on the search for truth. Nineteen years is too young. Look at the dreamworld. What about the beautiful women? What about the world which hadn’t been seen yet? What about the education, the unheard knowledge and on and on just like that?

The Ego was bound to win. Because of the fear of death, the fear of not knowing what really would happen, the still unlived life, the unfulfilled desires – the witness didn’t have a chance. Right at the beginning of truth, the merging with the real self, fear created by the dying Ego paralyzed the witness.

The cunning mind, however, this what everybody identifies himself with kept on promising that the next time around the jump could be done easily. All we need to find in the future will be somebody who can verify that everything will be okay as long as the jump has been done by somebody else before. It convinced the seeker that he is not really losing, but on the contrary, that the next time around the jump will be so much easier: consider it as practice for the future.

The fellowtraveler, however, faced at this point a real problem. Just for the scared part to say “don’t jump” wouldn’t do. The inner space remained, as well as the knowing of his Absolute aloneness.

For three days and three nights our hero fought with his awareness before he found himself almost sane in the world of the dreamer. This might be hell, but at least secure, as long as one does not wake up by accident. This deep unconsciousness will not allow you to.

The irony of this episode, this drama, is that the seeker hadn’t become aware then how he was able to focus his awareness toward reality, nor had he understood how he was able to put himself back to sleep into unconsciousness into dreams again…

Mind-projections or not, for our fellowtraveler in the story it had been a lived reality and nobody’s opinion could therefore destroy his knowing of the other dimension of awareness…

Even so the feeling of the Oneness with each and everything and the feeling of the space within in which the objective world moves had not remained with him, he never became so unconscious again to forget it completely, as somebody would appear who had not remembered it yet…

More and more he became aware that all his actions from there on after, somehow were directed and protected by having felt his other, his cosmic self – his limitless nature, his true existence…

What does a Jew and a Black German have in common? They both try to be better than the rest… (smile)…

I really must be in love with you Bhagwan, because I never was capable to remember any jokes…what to say about creating them…but this one came up all by itself.

Well, let’s get back to our subject matter, our hero, “Needaproof,” who certainly did not remain unaffected by his experiencing of the unknown.

Being perfectly aware at all times that his own fear from his other dimension was the EGO, whose time had come to prove itself…

Against all the odds, disciple Needaproof, from there on after did achieve whatever he had fixed his willpower on… If fear was the reason that life had not been lived yet, his motto became to live life in its totality… Being afraid of the inner, he knew that unless he faced the outer in all its depth – the good, the bad, and the ugly – that he would never be ready for the truth within…

Moving more or less consciously within this frame of mind, he declared the whole world as his natural playground – his heritage, so to speak, and started acting accordingly…

With little nothing more than his daring mind, he managed in one way or another to see all these countries of the world that he desired to know more about…

He moved through the world not as a beggar, but with the claim that it was his natural heritage to be where he liked and to do what he felt to do…

With this attitude in mind, he managed somehow early in life to stop his identification in belonging to a certain race or nation, but on the contrary acted and behaved like a world citizen; he felt at home wherever he laid his eyes on.

Only 6 months after his so-called “Postponing,” Needaproof found himself on his way to Marakkesch (Morocco) where he arrived sometime in 1971. He was not even quite 19 years of age then. This turned out to be the beginning of a journey, which ended 9 years later in August 1980 in San Diego, California. The Pacific Ocean said, by merely being, “Stop – Sackgasse, that is the end for Non-swimmers.” But in between, seeker Needaproof remembered very well that one of the strongest reasons for himself – the EGO not being able to relax with the Knowing of Aloneness seemed to appear by the claim of it, that Crazy-House would be the consequence. Even so the German general education is probably one of the best someone could possibly hope for in the West, the civilized, the capitalist part of the West, there was nevertheless one great challenge for most of them, which is spelled “Abitur.” Since back then only about 7% of the West-German population could show up with having possessed the endurance to pass the ranks of a German high school. It then encompassed 9 years and anywhere between 10 and 14 subjects to carry along and only 1 possibility to repeat a class. Not more and not less than the famed German “Arbitur” could be the only challenge for the EGO to prove to itself that the next time around it could relax with his “ONENESS” and therefore “Absolute Aloneness,” with the Knowing of God the Creator himself…

Seeker Needaproof argued with himself that for as long as he could be sure that his mind could compete with the best of Germany, the idea of getting nuts in front of the real thing wouldn’t be as powerful. He would have simply gained more security and trust in one’s own possibility or better put: “Having overcome one’s own inferiority complex.”

After his journey to Morocco, which included half a dozen other European countries on the way, Seeker Needaproof found hardly time to pack his suitcase after arriving at his hometown in South Bavaria. Together with his beautiful fellowtraveler and companion, he was in more than a hurry to move to Munich to meet the absolute challenge for his capacity to at least be able to comprehend the known – knowing perfectly well that he would never live in his hometown again.

Being accepted at one of the best schools in Bavaria, mainly because of being considered a social case (large family, have-nots, Mulatto), he not only managed to accomplish within two years what normally would take about 4 ½ years, but also turned out to be the best of his class, graduating in 1973…A Black German, a social case, a Mulatto…the professor, who taught psychology, together with the PhD tried to convince Needaproof to stay with the famous faculty and offered and excellent picture of how and when Needaproof could possibly receive his PhD in psychology. However, this was to no avail, since our hero was perfectly aware with 21, that he couldn’t help anybody else but himself as far as psychology is concerned, for the simple reason that nobody would be left to be applied upon.

Needaproof realized very soon that not only could he be the best whenever he felt like it, but also that his understanding and reality concerning the basic question in life was much deeper than that of his teachers, whom for some reason or another didn’t have the “gusto” to apply their own teachings…

Needaproof, in the meantime, challenged God and the world with his quest for proof, developing a razor-sharp Ego, which wherever it looked couldn’t find anything comparable to himself. Having had a glimpse of something, where existence starts celebrating with the real self, his argument couldn’t be broken by anybody who came along his path. Indulging and living his dreams with great intensity, the seeker could not be tricked by anybody whose knowledge was simply borrowed. Needaproof became his being, “Danger” his nickname – and God his ultimate quest. This would prove to be combination, a trinity, which made him appear unique to others, who tended to interpret his determination as an exception, whereas our hero accused them for dodging the real issue…

Surrender…surrender…surrender…Impossible! This word was completely missing in Needaproof’s vocabulary. Living life spontaneously and dangerously intense, he just took whatever his big Ego wanted at any given time. He felt at his best among wild and crazy people who understood how to celebrate life with little but nothing more than the given moment.

Fighting 3 years with the American bureaucracy to obtain his green card, he knew thereafter that nothing could stop him…the road to California was finally open. Telling Needaproof “No” meant asking for trouble so surrender was something he couldn’t afford. The crazy way he celebrated life could have meant death if there was any weakness shown at the wrong moment since more alive people (poor people) don’t hesitate to throw their very life onto the line as soon as the Ego is intoxicated enough. A shootout in the middle of the street for just the wrong word is the ultimate ignorance, but wild people won’t hesitate once provoked into it…

Arriving in California, he knew that he had managed to fulfill all his dreams he had ever dreamed in his childhood and youth. Staring at the mighty Pacific for the first time, he had the feeling to have reached a cul-de-sac. There was nowhere else to go…

But nevertheless, out hero Needaproof kept on living life the same way as he was used to and liked best; it took another six years celebrating each new day with champagne before he hit his head at the end of the cul-de-sac…

Life started to become ridiculous. Needaproof realized crystal-clear that he could achieve everything what the American Dream could possibly offer, but also that whatever the object could possibly be, that there would never be any peace of mind involved with it. “Peace of mind” – what a beautiful statement…The object wasn’t worth the effort anymore because it didn’t matter how strong and intense one’s willpower could be, at the end the whole life would be a waste. To die in a golden cage couldn’t be his purpose of it…

Needaproof’s Ego has become so self-assured that it could afford to give up…There was nothing more to prove…He was simply the best, there was no need to be defensive anymore. He could afford to let his guard down, the basic fear of getting hurt in the process was gone…Or better, it didn’t matter anymore…Who cares about losing if there is nothing to win in the first place…

OM MANI PADME HUM

Ahhhhh – the Diamond within the Lotus Flower. The Changeless within the Flux. Beloved with nothing within, truly Blessed One, gutsy Fellowtraveler who has surrendered to the truth, something within feels tremendously grateful toward your being…Something within has opened the heart, which is filled with acceptance, with humility and joy…feeling and surrender. Thank you for being, thank you for breathing, thank you for sharing, because this is what truth is all about – being in love with it is being.